Breaking my own heart
by Former OAG
Summary: This is my relationship with Neji and Shikamaru. Perfect! Or not since I'm slowly dying from my pain, hence the title.
1. Chapter 1

BREAKING MY OWN HEART (Neji Hyuga/Shikamaru Nara fan-fiction)

- Former OAG

CHAPTER 1

Neji is sitting on the bed with his eyes closed, thinking about God knows what.

"Hey love… are you gonna stay there all day?" I say to him.

He opens his eyes and gives me the look and I know I'm starting to become annoying again but I can't help it. He's only wearing a T-shirt and underwear, I really want to at least talk to him.

It's early in the morning and I've made us both coffee. Extra-strong for him.

"Where were you last night?" Neji asks without moving a finger.

"Out with the girls" I say but know what's coming.

Neji stands up and comes near me. He's so close that I'm afraid he might hit me.

"I've seen his scent on you. I wasn't sleeping."

And I wasn't careful enough. I couldn't help it but go to his place. I was missing him and Neji is always so cold… I lose myself in my thoughts while Neji is still waiting for an explanation.

"You're a ninja. Don't you have ninja things to do?" But I can't ignore his anger

like that. All I have left to do is beg on my knees for him not to leave me. Apparently he sees that too, with or without his Byakugan. I'm sad on the inside but there's nothing I can do. His forgiveness is never cheap.

"Please…" I begin but how could I ever explain why I had to cheat on him, again?

What possible explanation could there be for my inability of deciding.

"It's alright" Neji says and my heart stops.

He just looks at me with his endless eyes and I feel like crying.

"Please, forgive me Neji!" But I don't dare to say the "it won't happen again" part.

"It's alright" he repeats and this time wraps his arms around me, holding me tight. His veiny arms and his smell are something that Shikamaru could never offer me. Instead, he's much tenderer, much funnier… but Neji is so strong. And powerful. And protects me better.

His arms around me could end a world war.

"There's a new mission. I might be gone for a while but it won't take more than three days. Take care" he says and then goes into the bathroom. Why is he telling me so late? I've already made food… But that's Neji and he won't change. We all know where I'll be in the next three days. That's right. I'm sure that Neji minds but I can't figure it out. Oh, God. What if he goes after Shikamaru?


	2. Chapter 2

Shikamaru just finished. We're both naked. His body is so empty yet soft, like powder. Like a butterfly. I'm glad he didn't say "what a drag" this time. I would've laughed anyway. You just can't get offended by Shikamaru, no matter what he says or does. And he's still single, I wonder why.

"I'm worried about Neji" I say.

"You know, that's none of my business..." Shikamaru begins.

"I think he might attack you" I continue.

"That'd be a drag" he says after a while.

It's night and dark. I see it through his window. His body next to me is not cold or warm. He's just there. Only his kindness makes him different from Neji. They're both so righteous... I feel dirty, like I'm the only one that ever mistakes. But none of them is a mistake. What do I do?

"Neji, you know I l-"

"No."

Shikamaru won't take my love. But it is love, what else could it be?

"Maybe he really has a mission outside the village like he told you."

I wish I could believe what Shikamaru tells me, but I can't. Neji's reaction was way too different than anything I expected.

"I know what I'll do! I'll ask the Hokage and I'll go after him... You could come with me."

"Are you insane?"

He's right. I can't go after Neji. I feel like crying again. Somehow, I know that Shikamaru understand me but he's careful on how to show it. He doesn't want us to get too close, he doesn't want us to get attached to each other. That's what I like about him, unlike Neji, he's not possessive. He just wants bits of love then he can keep staring at the clouds. He wants as an easy life but what Ninja gets that?

"Shikamaru..."

He has his hands under his head and stares at the ceiling, as if he could still see the sky.

I don't know what I'm feeling but I know things gotta change. I'm scared and I know I have to leave.

"I have to go home."

"Sure" he says and doesn't even bother to open the door for me. I dress quickly and almost run the whole way home. I can't bear it. I had Sakura say this once "I'm so in love with you that I can't bear it" but of course, her relationship with Sasuke is different. Non-existent, better said. But me and Neji... I have to choose between this two once and for all. I have to talk to Neji, since I know that Shikamaru doesn't want to marry me. I'm by far the right choice for having an easy life. But I can't bear Neji's way of loving me either. What do I do?

First of all, he has to come back. But until then, I'd better stay home.


	3. Chapter 3

Neji is dead! Neji is fucking dead!

I can't stop my tears from falling. It was only a dream but nothing ever felt more real. The pain is inhuman and I want to die. I can't bear it... I love him so much that I can't bear it, Sakura's words fly through my head again. I shouldn't be doing this to myself but my brain strongly disagrees. The nightmare I've had means everything I ever feared and I can't let it happen. Because death not only means ending your physical existence but to me, it means that Neji is out of my life for good. I can't let it happen. Shikamaru will have to belong to the past, I've made my final decision.

It's only one more day until Neji comes home and I'm trembling. Maybe it's love, maybe it's fear. Does he still love me after all of my affairs and runaways? Is he willing to truly forgive me and move on? Can a man really be that kind and understanding?

I remember all the moments I've spent with my dear Neji. His arms around me is the most solid and constant memory but like everything else, way too painful to bear at the moment. I gotta focus on something else or I might just die before Neji.

"What are you looking at?" he asked me the first time I met him. He was training and I was hiding, watching him.

"Your arms are so strong" are the first words that I ever said to him and I haven't ever been prouder of my words.

"I train hard, what would you expect?" he said but instead of returning to his training he kept looking at me. It felt as if he was falling for me, I knew that look but it was unbelievable. He was the village's hero and I was nobody.

"Could you show me how do you use the Byakugan?" I asked to break the silence.

"Sure" he said. I waited until noon and kept watching him. He was an energy spring, never ending, sublime.

Another memory that strikes my head and makes me crawl out of my own dirty and guilty skin is the moment that I knew we'll be together, dare I to say,** forever**.

"Neji, I know you see everything through me, from my heart to my soul but how can I ever know how you feel?"

"I'll tell you" he said.

"I'm in love with you."

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN HOW BROKENHEARTED I AM! I'm made of all these pieces. I'm made of Neji essence and I don't even understand it, not even now, after more than a year has passed. I'm completely addicted to him. He loved me once. Could we ever restore than without blood being drained?


End file.
